The pious monkey, in the tree of leafy goodness,(whilst arm wrestling the small indigenous yet zealous boxing tiger) playfully twirled some fine strands of brownish hair; which had originally belonged to Mr. Beaver the unhappy and unfaithably married lectrologist who had been unable to fathom the reason why his bed had sprung a leak( it was a canoe: he was a terrible lectrologist). The Monkey, realising he was losing the arm wrestle, started to use he monkey strength, augmented by the fact the the hair gives super powers ( i forgot to mention this for shits and giggles). The zealous boxing tiger, having lost the arm wrestle, tried to regain his macho status by challenging Rocky Balboa to a... fight. Unfortunately for Sylvester Stallone he isn't actually a boxer and consequently shat his pants after the tiger punched him in the throat ( The dry cleaning bill for this was so large it actually caused the dry cleaning business owner to have to borrow large sums of money from a well known american bank. Not having the money pay the loan back, the bank then went bust and the subsequent events led to the 2009-10 Global Recession). Stallone, now pantless and bedridden, started to dictate his memoirs in a stephen hawking-esque manner in hopes to raise the funds for pants and neck surgery. The book was a great success, generating millions of pounds towards the Pants/Surgery fund, in Stallone's Mind.......he had slipped into a coma ( no one had noticed a change in his behaviour) and was dreaming of a world where he could walk down the street without getting arrested for public indecency or at least where he could appear in a series of films with questionable facial expressions and quality. Due to the lack of aforesaid films many hardcore fans created a cult in which they decided it must be true that if they obtained some fine strands of golden hair rumoured to bring healing powers they may revive their fallen hero whereupon they could kill and eat him, thereby gaining immortality ( i never mentione...d that they were a smart cult, but they were determined and scarily aggressive). Their plan hit a brickwall however whenthey discovered the the hairs where in the possession of the pious Monkey who then declared that the cult was an "affront to his God" and proceeded to vigorously and somehow delacately remove the limbs of the cult members entirely. The Zealous Boxing Tiger was imprisoned on a minor Littering charge.

My boss, her boyfriend (who was our manager), my husband, myself, and another co-worker all decided to go out for drinks and to watch a band play. I very loudly protested against any alcohol-tasting drink right from the beginning. So, my boss suggested a kind of mixed drink she promised would taste like Dr. Pepper. I thought, "How bad could it be?" Well, I got the drink, and found that it was icky and alcohol-y like all the other drinks I've tasted. So, I sipped slowly and carefully. I guess it didn't matter, because I still managed to get wasted! I'm told I somehow got a hold of straight rum, drank a ton of that, and that in my drunken stupor, I was stealing swigs from my friends' unsupervised beers! I'm a total lightweight anyway, but mixing drinks is bad news! My husband didn't really try and stop me, either, because he thought I was quite entertaining. My boss told me I drug her with me to the bathroom about 50 times, and that I even knelt before the toilet to barf. I not only had the stall door open, but I proceeded to squirt sanitizer gel all over the toilet seat! At least I had the presence of mind to fight germs... She also told me I pulled my husband to the dance floor and grinded on him to some really stupid music! So, I insisted that we leave, because I had to barf really badly. I put my seat all the way down as my husband drove. We were zooming down I-5 with my boss' car in the lane next to us. (I remember this part) I moaned, "OMG I gotta barf...." My husband let his foot off the gas, like that would help. LOL. I frantically searched for a barf receptacle, and all I could find was an empty 7 UP 12 pk. box. I put my mouth on the hole, and projectile barf spewed from within me. It was HORRIBLE-I had no control over what I was doing. I heard myself make these otherworldly noises as I barfed, too! "Blahalalalahbhalalalblahalaaaaauahhhhh". After that, I heard my husband bust out laughing. The absolute WORST part was that I didn't realize the box I grabbed was torn out at both ends, so liquid puke dripped out of the box, down my lap, and the seats of the car!! I guess I passed out cold when I got home and my husband went and got the kiddoes from my mom and dad's. I felt lightheaded and dizzy for DAYS after. I probably had alcohol poisoning. I managed to go to work, but of course, I got made fun of for making a total ass of myself!

So everyone knows I'm a 14 year old girl who is really sexy and slim, but not athletic at all. During recess one day, i saw a bunch of annoying little kids playing basketball. I decided to show them who's boss here, because you can't be rude to me since the world is all about ME. Too bad I was wearing high heels ( to look sexy). I challenged them to a game, forgetting how nonathletic i am. But then again, i am so self centered I forget my weaknesses all the time. They laughed at my idea when they saw my high heels. I thought it wouldn't be a problem, so I versed them anyway. I stumbled around this way and that, and couldn't keep up with their jogging. I lost and their entire grade started cheering and laughing. I felt my face get red and started gasping and collapsing. No, I thought. I can't be getting destroyed. SO i took off my high heels and threw them out the door, and rematched. I was already too embarrassed to walk and keep up. I tried my best, but i could only manage to crawl around barefoot. They won again. I was so embarrassed I couldn't talk. I forced an embarrassed smile weakly. I must've look extremely crummy and embarrassed, because the audience that gathered around started pointing and laughing. Feeling so defeated, embarrassed, and helpless, i half crawled, half stumbled to the far wall, gasping and hoping no one would see my entire face red as ketchup. But they did, and started taking pictures of me weak and half dead, barefoot, reaching for the camera with a worried look. I fell and collapsed completely from embarrassment. The little kids immediately started dragging my towards center court. The poked and played with my defeated body. I had no strength to fight them. They started pulling me around the court, showing off their victory. They dragged me by my bare feet. The crowd cheered. Then they celebrated and danced ontop of me. I felt so embarrassed and ashamed, to be beat so badly by these little kids. they started poking and grabbing my bare feet. With my last bit of energy, i pleaded them to stop. They mocked me and made fun of me. With that i collapsed on the ground, everyone partying around me. I woke up to find one kid holding my high heels. I chased him all through the campus. At last I lost my energy. I stood there, noticing the whole school was watching. I suddenly felt weak and stumbled foward to get my shoes, but he walked one step back, smiling. I didn't want to be barefoot outside on the parking lot, but I was. The kid ran away. The crowd laughed. I stumbled embarrassedly after him, knowing i won't get those high heels back. Then I collapsed in embarrassment, gasping for air and blushing so hard my face felt like ti was on fire, so shamed i wanted to dig into the ground.

christmas eve my dad and my grandma pick my sister and i up to go eat dinner. this year we were invited to a party and we had to get there at seven p.m. so my dad picked my sister and i up.after that we went to go pick up my grandmother. lets just say...thats when the problem started. so we get to my grandmothers condo. to pick her up, and my father leaves outside to call my grandma to come outside(cauz we were there) and he leaves my sister and i in the car running with the keys inside. well my sister and i didnt realize that the doors were locked, so we wanted to switch seats wen we get outside to switch seats, all we heard was click!!! and we were all locked out of the car with the car running and the keys inside!haha great!!!:)(sarcasm) so here we all are very mad outside locked out of our own car, and my grandma comes downstairs with her friend, who is drunk. and wen the drunk lady came downstairs with my grandma she offered us beers. well anyway the lady was drunk so wat can u say!! she was doing crazy stuff. so my dad calls a locksmith and they said they would get there in an hour to two hours. but we all tried to make the best out of it. i said "thank god that its not raining at least" five minutes later...it starts to rain! just wat we needed! so meanwhile many things happened... (by the way this was on christmas eve!!!! just to remind u) anyway they finally got there like four hours later and we were feeling unpatient and wanting to leave already. thamk god that the drunnk lady had left already!!! and finally we got to the party at 11:00. we were supposed to get there at 7:00. so the people at the partty were so kind and waited for us to eat. thank god we all ended up safe and sound!!:))

One day I was in art class, and we were painting. It was raining outside, and I couldn't find my boots so i had to wear flats to school on such a rainy day. I also picked today to wear a really sexy-looking medium length skirt. So in art class a boy was carrying a bucket of paint and he spilled it all over my feet. I freaked out and told the teacher, then ran as fast as I could to the bathroom to was it off. Unfortunately, the nearest bathroom was in another building across campus. I took one step and slipped on the paint, so i ripped my flats off and ran down the stairs and out the door. I ran about half way across campus, feet and all drenched in rain. The paint washed off, so I decided to head back. But there was a group of little 1st graders playing on the blacktop that I ran past. UH OH! they started chasing me and laughing at my drenched, barefoot figure walking across campus. I flushed red and ran like heck. I couldn't see very well since my wet hair covered my face. I ran into the nearest door and slammed it shut. I was indoors. The little kids crowded by the door, and since it was glass they could see me. I collapsed on the ground from too much embarrassment, face flushed red. I sat against the corner near the door, red as a tomato, barefoot and wet, gasping for air and trying to disappear from sight. I kept feeling extremely embarrassed and stayed like that until one of my friends came to get me. Still too embarrassed, i crawled weakly away barefoot. Up until this day, i flush red and breathe heavily every time I see a little kid. And every time I saw those little kids in school, they point and laugh, "Hey look! It's that big barefoot girl!". Ugh.